why am i hyper its 10
i should find some game to play or a confessions blog to browse
From the back cover of FIFTY SHADES OF KAYDEN, an erotic novel by C. VERNER
My omni-tool flashes. It has to be—a call from Kayden. I bite my lip. You can do this, Sheploo, I think.
‘Hello, Mr. Sheploo. A pleasure to hear your voice, as ever. You sound well.’
Holy hanar! Even his voice enkindles me…down there. I think about his affluent, sensual pompadour and his low voice, like nothing I’ve ever heard before. It’s richer than a vorcha’s—and even sexier than a turian’s.
My inner prothean threatens me he’ll go extinct if I don’t do something less primitive, while my synthetic subconscious is shouting at me to make a choice and say something to him already!
‘How have you been?’ I ask, biting my bottom lip. ‘We haven’t talked in a while.’
‘Indeed we have not, Sheploo.’
I’ve missed you, I think. But my synthetic subconscious is screaming at me to remember how he went too far the last time we were together. Maybe it was my fault for forgetting horizon was the safe word, but all I can think about is his deep, sexy whisper at the back of my neck, telling me This hurts you.
Oh, geez. My inner prothean rolls all four eyes at me. Get it together, Sheploo. Just say something interesting!
‘I should go,’ I blurt out. Holy hanar, this is harder than I thought it would be! And, from just talking to Kayden, so am I…
Praise for FIFTY SHADES OF KAYDEN:
‘A fascinating trip into the psychology of the most annoying person in the galaxy.’ – Garrus Vakarian
‘Terribly implausible, poorly proofread, strangely addictive. I believe I now have more insight into humanity.’ – EDI
‘Didn’t I read this on the extranet already?’ – Jeff ‘Joker’ Moreau
‘Some seriously messed up shit that’d be way better as a video series.’ – James Vega
‘Likely the reason the Reapers sought to destroy all human life.’ – Dr. Liara T’Soni
‘Free from the Shadowbroker for anyone curious yet unwilling to pay for it.’ – The Shadowbroker
‘Every time I catch a student reading this shit, I kick their ass personally.’ – Subject Zero
started writing this POST concerning my john shepard headcanons to alleviate my feelings and help me i can’t get out
it seems that the more i write the more headcanons i come up with
like the fact that his hands actually shake because of stress (exhilerated by stim use) and he balls them into fists to hide it because nobody should see commander shepard’s hands shake.
james’ eyes are still bright when he’s looking up at shepard on his pedestal (no matter what he says, john shepard is made of obsidian as far as his little beady eyes can see), and javik just doesn’t look at him at all, but the rest of his crew see it. they notice, and they constantly ask him if he’s okay—edi only asks him once, in private, when he’s in his quarters alone, but then there’s liara asking the same question with her kindest voice and best constructed smile, then tali with her brows furrowed up under her helm like shepard couldn’t see through it, and kaidan with that ridiculously honest face of his he couldn’t not look worried with even if his fucking life depended on it—and they all try so hard to be deliberate, to lie and to pretend they aren’t actually aware, and it’s infuriating not only because of that but because when he tries to answer them his hands shake all the more.
and it’s garrus who eventually messes with the targeting module on shepard’s n7 valkyrie without telling him about it; just so one thing stays stable. and thank christ for turian social skills because he never mentions how hard john’s hands are shaking.
>bigass gif file with 400 frames
>hey i havent saved
>goes to save
>accidentally punches save for web
just fucking kill me
these feels are not going away
when this is all over, the mass effect gang goes to rio on a holiday.
a very drunk (and full of inebriated courage) steve takes james to a gay bar. he doesn’t make it out of there without at least ten guys hitting on him and two grabbing at his ass. liara gets a bitchin tan at first, but she eventually turns purple with asari sunburn. edi plays ball in the ocean (she’s waterproof) and joker almost drowns (she really is waterproof). tali gets sick and has to spend her time cooped up in her hotel room playing galaxy of fantasy instead. kaidan gets a ridiculous hawaiian shirt and drinks pina coladas. and then garrus signs all the autographs, even on shepard’s behalf, and nobody minds because he’s 100x more charming than the real deal. and all the while, shepard just kind of sits there on the beach chair they plopped him on and bitches about his wounds.
until the end of the 5th of june probably because:
- i have a midterm tomorrow (sigh)
- me3 extended cut hits tomorrow
- i’m in yurop
- i get to wait until the 4th
- my dashboard is 99% mass effect
- (not really it’s like 30% mass effect and 70% tom hiddleston)
- and if i’m going to wait until the 4th anyway then i might just wait until the 5th because then I have a final.
so see you all! i’m going to miss all the extended cut discussion/drama and that makes me sad, but w/e,
I CAN COME BACK AND DEBATE FICTIONAL ZODIAC SIGNS later.
so hey does anyone have any headcanons for kaidan’s birthdate/sign? earlier, mintsui suggested he might be a super sensitive cancer guy which made me grin, but i’ve always been dreadful with assigning birthdays.
basically i just need to know when shepard takes him out for two steak sandwiches instead of one. (before they go on weekend trips to scenic spots with pretty views they don’t look at much because they’re too busy making out in hammocks and up against windows.)
dfgffgdssdfds you know what one of my flaws is that I could debate fictional characters’ signs all frigging day (because it helps with easier characterization, really, not because i believe in astrology or anything…)
and tbh before your kaidan’sbirthday!post i really had him pegged for a taurus.
because i am— no really, he fits into that mold quite well; he’s calm, quiet, patient, stable, grounding; he’s definitely a follower, not a leader; and shepard is right in that he’s actually really stubborn, he’s got all this integrity and he’s quite conservative with his set of beliefs—the man has his principles—and the way he gets so disappointed and angry and turns into an iceberg when he thinks he’s betrayed (a defense mechanism, really, he’s just fucking hurt) so much that he’s ready to write the one leader he’s been following all this time out of his life—yeah, that’s taurus all right. he’s a “gentle, even-tempered, good-natured, modest and slow to anger” guy. omg what am i doing. he’s got a lot of feelings, too, and he’s definitely very affectionate, but he’s not exactly a bleeding heart romantic or keeps his heart on his sleeve or anything, he has his defenses set before that—though his upbringing obviously has something to do with that. i mean, just the part where he hasn’t broken down and still has a solid as fuck personality shows that kaidan has remarkable strength of will—he’s just not as loud about it, unlike some other people.
then there’s the part with all the eating and the rub him right and he gets very sexual very fast and
can be headcanoned to be is kinky as fuck thing.
IDEK i always really saw him as an earth sign (he’s that grounded) but both virgo and capricorn are actually a lot more uh, not-as-full-of-feelings. though i can understand virgo because they seriously can be really really really annoying with all their fucking INTEGRITY! all the time. cancer also works because feelings and affection all the time everywhere and you can write him as clingy without throwing him off ooc ocean, i suppose. but he’s not just clingy, he can be his own man if prompted. it’s just easier to follow the stars, idek.
i will slam my hoof down and call taurus tho. he can have stubborn headbutting-with-horns-fights with shepard and then call bring him down to cuddle after.
k kkk i’ll shut up
birthdays and butts and happy vancouver space husbands aus are on my mind lately. shepard is technically five years younger than kaidan, not three—and he’s better at planning birthday surprises for someone else than he is at being surprised by his own. also, there is some butt worship. (because of course there is.) this fic is nsfw! and also at ao3 for reading convenience!
Technically, Kaidan was only three years older. But Shepard wouldn’t have come this far or lived this long if he believed too much in technicalities.
Though they didn’t bring it up—ever, really—Shepard had been dead for two years. And when you were dead, some personal wisdom Shepard chose not to lead with while he was acting TO, time didn’t matter anymore. Technically, if you wanted to use that word, it stopped.
So Kaidan was more like five years older. And there were some days—birthdays, for example—when they had to be reminded of that.
‘Everybody says you look younger,’ Shepard pointed out that morning, bringing him breakfast in bed. To this day, a bowl of crunchy Blast-O’s was still romantic. ‘I’m serious. And you know I’m telling the truth because I couldn’t lie about that holiday sweater, remember?’
‘Uh-huh,’ Kaidan replied. ‘How could I forget? Actually… It’s probably better if you don’t remind me.’
‘Hey, now eat your cereal before it gets soggy,’ Shepard said, a hand on Kaidan’s thigh under the sheets through the whole meal.
Birthdays weren’t the same as anniversaries, obviously, even if they were—again, technically—kind of the same thing. Shepard hadn’t been used to celebrating either until he started having someone to celebrate them for and mostly with, which was the part that made them mean anything at all.
Sort of like that old saying—if a soldier gets lost in space and there’s nobody around to hear him breathing, does he make a sound?